Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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