I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
