Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
