I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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