I woke up to her vacumming the grass
tequila makes me forget i have legs
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
