i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
