Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I don't deserve a penis
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
