I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
