you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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