I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
