Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
it's like iHOP with fire
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
