'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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