I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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