I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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