you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
