my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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