Pants 0. Shit 1.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
