you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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