You made me cry and you don't even care
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
