he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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