There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
