I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
