Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
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so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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