I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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