If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
