If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
