I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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