Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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