We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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