i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
