piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
