Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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