how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i drank out of a bidet.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can I color on your dick again?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Randomize
