The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
