I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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