I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
