Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
