OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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