We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
