What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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