I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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