Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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