shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
