Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
