Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
