I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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