Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
