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I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize