Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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