i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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