I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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