Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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