im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
