The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
