So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize