I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
