i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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