God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
third nipple confirmed
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
