Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i don't like sucking hair
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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