What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
