I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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