So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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